ShadowPlay's problem page with Piney Gir: Part Two

The second part of our Agony Aunt Piney Gir’s helping advice corner features horticultural quizzing and a person in a genital pickle…

Dear Piney Gir
Last night I googled "what is the origin of the phrase shaking like a leaf?" The first three returns didn't give me the answer. Can you find it for me?
Tom Whalley, Holloway
Dear Tom,
I think the answer is that a leaf shakes quite a lot as it's only lightly anchored to the tree by a little stem and when the wind blows the leaves really go for it like it's part-time. I hope that answers your question.

Piney x

Dear Piney,
I’ve been a post-op transsexual for several years now, but I’m a bit fed up and would like my manhood back. Is it easily reversible?
Adam, London
Dear Adam,
Suffering is a relative thing. Did you find the first time you had the sex-change procedure easy or difficult? You are likely to experience a similar level of pain the second time around. However, if being a man trapped in a post-op transsexual’s body is generating mental torture and anguish for you, then remember that physical pain is temporary, sexual transformation is forever (or in this case for as long as you want it to be). You might want to consult a nice therapist before you go for another great big change though. Try this place; they charge you according to your income so you can afford it! http://www.london-counselling-psychotherapy.co.uk/
Piney x
Dear Piney,
I’m addicted to wearing stripes but fear I may get piegonhold as a stripe-wearer – what do you advise?
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
I kind of think it’s not such a bad thing to be known for. If you are really concerned about being known as ‘Stripes’ or ‘Stripeytime Tennessee’ or ‘Stripe-o McGee’ then give all your striped items to the charity shop and start again sans stripes. OR you could draw contrasting stripes over the existing stripes on your clothes and you could be ‘Checkers Checkofferston’ for a while. If that doesn’t appeal, try taking up a new hobby where stripes are encouraged. Have you ever considered miming?
Piney x

ShadowPlay's problem page with Piney Gir

Our resident Agony Aunt was so concerned about ShadowPlay’s confused, depraved and downright weird readership last time out she’s returned to answer your queries. Here, country pop starlet Piney Gir, whose new album Jesus Wept is out now on Damaged Goods Records, offers a helping hand in part one of our series

Dear Piney,
The high-volume of fish-related TV in the past week is making me want to stop eating fish. What do you think I should do?

Tom Bonnett

Dear Tom,

What you decide to eat and what you decide not to eat is entirely up to you and only you. Don’t let any posh-o celebrity chef push you around, and don’t let your concerned family and friends worry you about how much protein you are getting. If want to eat fish/ or not eat fish… that’s your choice. If you don’t want to eat fish but you want to trick the people around you into thinking you are eating fish, you could make fish shaped cookies and cakes and eat them in public places. Get a friend to photograph you eating the fish-shaped/fish-free items and tag you on facebook. Then your mom won’t bug you about where you get your protein from, and if a posh-o celebrity chef shouts at you say, “hey man they are just cookies shaped like fish, back off!” Piney x

Dear Piney,

For about two weeks now I have been unable to stop watching old episodes of the hit circa early 90s programme Blossom (you remember, the girl who wore the cool hats). Some kind soul has uploaded a plethora of these 20 minute gems onto youtube and watching one is never enough for me. It is starting to really affect my sleeping patterns, my relationships, my eyesight, my sanity, my humour and my fashion sense. Please help me resist!
Emily Macintosh

Dear Emily,
I feel your pain, I really do. It is tough to resist the nostalgic and wholesome appeal of Blossom! I would recommend you firstly tell the people closest to you about your issue with Blossom and explain to them how important it is that you wean yourself off of it. You will need a strong support network in the coming weeks. I would then instil what I call 'the treat' system. That is… when you finish your homework treat yourself to an episode (only one episode) of Blossom. When you helped the little old lady that lives on the fifth floor carry all her groceries you can treat yourself to an episode again. This should reinstall your Blossom vs life balance. Piney x

Dear Piney,

Do skittles count as one of your 5 A DAY? (or even five of your 5 A DAY what with there being 5 flavours?)
Bridget Tompkins

Dear Bridget,
I’m pretty sure that for each colour Skittles you eat, that counts as 1 of your 5 A DAY. As you very accurately pointed out, there are five flavours of Skittles so if you eat one bag of Skittles then you are defo getting all kinds of vitamins and nutrients. Keep up the good work! Piney x

Live: The Golden Filter at Pure Groove // Piney Gir at the London Transport Museum

I’ve long held a theory that the thing that puts the beauty of going to gigs apart from, say, going to the cinema, is that you never know what’s gunna happen. Even in a venue you’ve been to loadsa times, seeing a band you’ve seen loadsa times – maybe even a band you’ve seen in that venue loadsa times still present something different, exciting, new people, a bum note, a longer set, a new support band, the potential to find an artist that engages so much that whole swathes are your life are soundtracked differently. It’s always a possibility.

So this weird combo was very welcome. First we dash up to the beautiful Pure Groove, the record shop/café in Farringdon which has put out so many great records it’s almost sick, to see an ‘in-store’ (cue images of thousands of teens queuing up outside Virgin Records to see Mel B sing solo or some shit) which is thankfully busy but without any acne-covered scamps armed with a black marker and crop-top they’re desperate to get signed. The Golden Filter, an NY three-piece fronted by model Penelope featuring synths and nice, heavy drumbeats take some time to drum up an atmosphere in the un-clubby atmosphere near the twee-tees but their sheer class shows through their net-happy hit Hide Me evoking the most reaction. Favourite Things, with its New York, Sydney, London, Paris mantra evokes both joy at the simple song at envy at the well-travelled gits. They’ve certainly been provoking plenty of reaction and there’s no doubt there’s any extra something, maybe in the league of St Ettiene, in there, I’ll be watching with interest.

A quick dash to the Transport Museum in Covent Garden (yep, that’s right) brings one-time ShadowPlay agony aunt Piney Gir happily to our ears. As part of an Arts Council funded monthly night the fulsome folkster follows a glorious screening of a video of some couples dancing in the 50s (on a screen 20ft up above a light up London 3D map). Piney, aka Kansas hailing and London-living Angela Penhaligon, takes the stage amongst the red buses and old taxis with a welcoming crowd cheering on her every accordion stroke. With some fine backing singers and a beefed up band in the shape of the Age of Reason, Piney has moved away from her original electronic-y ways to a much more traditional, perhaps ironic given her quite stringent upbringing outlined in several interviews, country-style with the twee but lovely duet Of All the Wonderful Things, the new single, a particular highlight. And as Gir finishes her set choo-chooing around the rather splendid, if nerdy, museum singing you have to say there’s a lot to say for having a night less ordinary.