Monday, 25 July 2011

ShadowPlay's problem page with Piney Gir: Part Two

The second part of our Agony Aunt Piney Gir’s helping advice corner features horticultural quizzing and a person in a genital pickle…

Dear Piney Gir
Last night I googled "what is the origin of the phrase shaking like a leaf?" The first three returns didn't give me the answer. Can you find it for me?
Tom Whalley, Holloway
Dear Tom,
I think the answer is that a leaf shakes quite a lot as it's only lightly anchored to the tree by a little stem and when the wind blows the leaves really go for it like it's part-time. I hope that answers your question.
Piney x
Dear Piney,
I’ve been a post-op transsexual for several years now, but I’m a bit fed up and would like my manhood back. Is it easily reversible?
Adam, London
Dear Adam,
Suffering is a relative thing. Did you find the first time you had the sex-change procedure easy or difficult? You are likely to experience a similar level of pain the second time around. However, if being a man trapped in a post-op transsexual’s body is generating mental torture and anguish for you, then remember that physical pain is temporary, sexual transformation is forever (or in this case for as long as you want it to be). You might want to consult a nice therapist before you go for another great big change though. Try this place; they charge you according to your income so you can afford it!
Piney x
Dear Piney,
I’m addicted to wearing stripes but fear I may get piegonhold as a stripe-wearer – what do you advise?
Dear Anonymous,
I kind of think it’s not such a bad thing to be known for. If you are really concerned about being known as ‘Stripes’ or ‘Stripeytime Tennessee’ or ‘Stripe-o McGee’ then give all your striped items to the charity shop and start again sans stripes. OR you could draw contrasting stripes over the existing stripes on your clothes and you could be ‘Checkers Checkofferston’ for a while. If that doesn’t appeal, try taking up a new hobby where stripes are encouraged. Have you ever considered miming?
Piney x

Wednesday, 13 July 2011

ShadowPlay's problem page with Piney Gir

Our resident Agony Aunt was so concerned about ShadowPlay’s confused, depraved and downright weird readership last time out she’s returned to answer your queries. Here, country pop starlet Piney Gir, whose new album Jesus Wept is out now on Damaged Goods Records, offers a helping hand in part one of our series

Dear Piney,
The high-volume of fish-related TV in the past week is making me want to stop eating fish. What do you think I should do?
Tom Bonnett

Dear Tom,
What you decide to eat and what you decide not to eat is entirely up to you and only you. Don’t let any posh-o celebrity chef push you around, and don’t let your concerned family and friends worry you about how much protein you are getting. If want to eat fish/ or not eat fish… that’s your choice. If you don’t want to eat fish but you want to trick the people around you into thinking you are eating fish, you could make fish shaped cookies and cakes and eat them in public places. Get a friend to photograph you eating the fish-shaped/fish-free items and tag you on facebook. Then your mom won’t bug you about where you get your protein from, and if a posh-o celebrity chef shouts at you say, “hey man they are just cookies shaped like fish, back off!” Piney x

Dear Piney,

For about two weeks now I have been unable to stop watching old episodes of the hit circa early 90s programme Blossom (you remember, the girl who wore the cool hats). Some kind soul has uploaded a plethora of these 20 minute gems onto youtube and watching one is never enough for me. It is starting to really affect my sleeping patterns, my relationships, my eyesight, my sanity, my humour and my fashion sense. Please help me resist!
Emily Macintosh

Dear Emily,
I feel your pain, I really do. It is tough to resist the nostalgic and wholesome appeal of Blossom! I would recommend you firstly tell the people closest to you about your issue with Blossom and explain to them how important it is that you wean yourself off of it. You will need a strong support network in the coming weeks. I would then instil what I call 'the treat' system. That is… when you finish your homework treat yourself to an episode (only one episode) of Blossom. When you helped the little old lady that lives on the fifth floor carry all her groceries you can treat yourself to an episode again. This should reinstall your Blossom vs life balance. Piney x

Dear Piney,

Do skittles count as one of your 5 A DAY? (or even five of your 5 A DAY what with there being 5 flavours?)
Bridget Tompkins

Dear Bridget,
I’m pretty sure that for each colour Skittles you eat, that counts as 1 of your 5 A DAY. As you very accurately pointed out, there are five flavours of Skittles so if you eat one bag of Skittles then you are defo getting all kinds of vitamins and nutrients. Keep up the good work! Piney x